It was a long final passage from Tonga… I don’t really even know how long. I left sometime in October, and I arrived yesterday. I don’t count days anymore, and I think in this last passage I made my peace with many things. I spent several hours every single day just staring at the sea. I have a pose in the cockpit of Constellation… I don’t know what it’s called, I haven’t named it. But I stand bolt upright without holding onto anything, and surf the boat for hours at a time, just looking at the horizon and thinking. It’s clearly meditative, but not in an intentional sense. It’s simply a hypnotic trance one is drawn to without any real thought.
I’ve been scared of the sea for a very long time. I came close to drowning once; I was pulled out beyond the breakers by a rip. I gave up, and sank to the bottom, and my feet touched the sand. Instantly I regained my composure and came back up to keep fighting. I was rescued.
When I was nineteen, I went surfing with a good friend, and I turned the body of a drowned swimmer face up who was not so lucky in a rip of his own. I pulled him to shore, and nearly drowned myself out of exhaustion in doing so. He was heavy, I was tired, and his family screamed at me because I couldn’t hold the man’s head upright out of the water when his waterlogged body was dragged ashore; even though he had clearly been dead for upwards of twenty minutes.
Everyday for the last two and a half years I have been scared of the sea. Every night on passage, I would get into my bunk, turn the light off, and wonder if I was going to wake up. I would get up regularly to maintain a semblance of a watch; glance out of a port hole, see the familiar and wondrous scene of rushing water, stars, whitecaps and silvery reflections, and put my head back on the pillow, again wondering whether I was going to wake up. I wondered many times what it would feel like to be hit at sea. I’ve played the scenario over in my head a million times. Some nights I would sleep with my grab bag.
And so last night, after several days of difficult weather, I arrived on the shores of Australia. I had no real idea what I would feel. Excitement? Depression? Sadness? I guess a bit everything really. But at the heart of it, I felt a fearful weight shed from my shoulders. I’ve maintained an intense personal motivation to keep moving, even when I didn’t really know how. There is no particular point to any of this. And I’ve known that since day one. What is the value of crossing oceans in small boats? To prove a point? Reinhold Messner would say it was the sign of a degenerative society. For some things, there is not always an eloquent or sensible explanation. Often times those concepts are best left to simmer.
Am I depressed? Is this a rambling flurry of post-adrenal thought? No, not really. I’ve never felt more overjoyed and elated; wondrous, and the exact opposite of all those things…
I did my very best to take everyone along with me on this trip, through the web, via my sporadic and sometimes random writing, videos and twitter updates. And the surprising result is, I’ve had the most incredible outpouring of support over the last three years – More than one could possibly imagine. I guess I’d just like to point out, that I really, genuinely, I could not have come this far without the hundreds of people who showed their support in many different ways: I’ve received literally thousands of satellite SMS messages over my two ocean crossings, full of encouraging words; hundreds of positive comments across multiple networks… People have given me their own hard earned money for no other reason than to see me succeed. Companies have given me things and supported me with equipment. People have written me messages and said I’ve inspired them to leave their lives of ordinariness and lead more fulfilling ones. The list is endless… I’ve not really done any of this alone; solo, singlehanded or otherwise. I’d be arrogant to say I had – I may have been the helmsmen, but that’s it…
Thank you so much, to everyone who has shown any interest at all in this endeavour. This isn’t my last post, but it is certainly the last post of an era…
nick.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Great story Nick. I have been following you only for the last months, but it has been a fantastic inspiration to read your stories and be a part of your trip. If only for a little bit. Hope you have a wonderful homecomming.
Cheers, Ronald
November 19th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Hey Nick,
well done! I’ve been following your journey since July 2009, thanks for your stories and pictures, which inspired and encouraged me for a trans-atlantic sailing trip after finishing my studies.
I wish you a wonderful home coming, too.
Regards,
Jan, Germany
November 19th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Wow. Like wow. Wow. Wow. What a trip!
November 19th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Well done Nick, been following from the start. Really enjoyed the writing and videos!
November 19th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Welcome home Nick. You still owe me one dollar.
November 19th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Congratulations Nick!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. This post is truly special, but also thanks for all previous posts.
I don’t remember how I found your page any more. It was still when you where in UK.
You are truly great inspiration. I didn’t follow you and did’t go into the ocean. I’m not planing soon. But I got my first boat (even smaller then yours) because I know everything is possible if we believe in it.
So from next session me and my son will also have our little voyages in our little bout, and we will dream and plan about bigger one.
I wish you all my best. I guess you will have some holiday with your family now.
Please let as know about any project you may do in future. It does not matter if it will be sailing related or not.
So good luck Nick!
This is end of this journey, but also start of new one.
Best,
Arek
November 19th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Well what do I say, been following since you left Europe and so very glad I bought PBO magazine that day. What a wonderful story, and no, thank you, for the inspiration and showing that is it possible. I hope you have a truly wonderful home coming and enjoy the feeling of dry land for some time. =)
November 19th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Congratulations Nick. It’s been fantastic following you on twitter, thanks so much for the regular updates, positions, weather and blog reports. We can only guess at some of the emotions you must be feeling at this stage, but I’m sure there’s a lot of people eager to hear what’s next. In the meantime, take a well deserved rest!
November 19th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Congratulations Nick.
You have truly been an inspiration to me, not just with the whole sailing a tiny boat thing, but mostly with your ability to pursue and accomplish your goals. It has been an impressive thing to witness.
From the first time I saw your atlantic crossing video, I’ve referred to you (to myself) as “the reluctant sailor”. It took me a while to understand that you weren’t doing this because of your love for sailing, you were simply finishing something you started, because that is just how you are built.
One of these days I’ll be out there simply because I love it. But right now I am struggling to pursue and accomplish these goals I’ve set that are necessary to get me there. I can see how easily dreams can be lost and successes are turned to failures and “life just gets in the way”…
Not me.
I WILL finish what I started. And I owe atleast some part of this motivation that I have to you.
anyway… you’re a helluva man Nick, Thanks.
November 19th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Hi Nick,
I never stopped following you via de web on your trip back to Ausralia. Never stopped praying for a safe return home. I thought a lot about your parents and familly. I can’t stop admire your inspiring trip! Mira
November 19th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I was just cruising the web and looked up Contessa 26 out of nostalgia and found your story. I grew up in Lymington just yards from Jeremy Rodgers yard and delivered a few Contessas. Great sea boats and you have proven it again. Sorry I missed you when you were here in Marin County, CA. Many many congratulations on a vision made real. Enjoy a few beers and a comfortable bed! Mark
November 19th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Many congratualtions Nick, a great achievement and one made all the more special for us armchair sailors by you being so open about your emotions and feelings along the way. Enjoy a rest now!! Don’t forget that if you keep going West a bit you can get back to the Solent
November 19th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Welcome home, Nick! I hope you’ll write about approaching the final dock, who was there to greet you, how you spent the next hours, and especially what was going through your mind during all of it!
Oh, and PLEASE write a book! I was specifically looking for a book about a solo sail around the world for a 50th birthday present for a friend and wished yours had already been written and I could buy it on Amazon!
Carol
November 19th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Thanks for sharing your story Nick — truly inspirational. Hope you enjoy your homecoming.
November 19th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Well done Nick. Glad you are safely home. Thanks for sharing your respect and awe for the sea – probably why you’re still alive!
November 19th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Welcome back Primz!
November 19th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Well done Nick – to stick to your goal – and achieve it – no matter what was thrown at you – is truly inspirational. Now for the final leg back to Melbourne?
November 20th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Hello Nick, Congratulations!! I suspect by now you are basking in the sun on dry land, reacquainting yourself with old friends and family. Constellation meanwhile is relaxing at her berth, waiting for you to take her on her next adventure(hint). I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed watching your story unfold and to tell you how much of an inspiration you have been. With a bit of luck, soon enough i’ll be following in your foot steps, although I must admit, I’d rather not be alone!!. A massive heartfelt thankyou to you mate, and I wish you all the best of luck for the future. – Tom.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:39 am
Congratulations Nick, it sounds like it has been quite a journey. Welcome back to OZ!
November 20th, 2009 at 3:46 am
Well done Nick! We’re firing up the bbq for you now
November 20th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Hi Nick! Congrats from S/V Pura Vida! I am impressed with your writing, insight, and moreover, your determination. Glad I had the opportunity to meet you in Tonga!
November 20th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Indeed you managed to inspire many people, and Im one of them. Im going to miss skimming through your blog and reading your adventures while theyre happenning .. You have good writing skills and that helps a lot, and as you will get to know such a journey will change many things in your life as It has changed you in many ways ..
The best way to learn, and make stepts towards a more ‘real’ life requires suffering, lonelyness and meditation. And solo sailing is one of the best way to get it ..
Im just another random person, on the other side of the world that has enjoyed your journey form the first day..
Congratulations!
November 20th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Nick, Congratulations on a successful end to this adventure, and I hope there’s more adventures to come! Now comes the book right?
November 20th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
fantastic! your honesty and candor is so touching and truly depicts the nitty gritty of sailing the big oceans on a little boat! i hope you are as proud of yourself as we all are of you!
congratulations!
November 21st, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Congratulations, Nick.
Like they say: “All men dream, but not equally…”
Hope the moorings don’t chaff your ankles.
I’ve been thinking about the idea we briefly discussed of keeping Constellation going. Maybe the best way would be to simply sell her to the right person. Someone who was interested in adventure, rather than recreation. I’ve worked as a trustee in a charity, and that system certainly can have its problems. So why complicate what you have shown to be true.
I hope you are in a position to take your time over selling. Maybe the community you have created would be willing to support constellation through any difficulties due to customs in order to find a suitable new ‘Helmsperson’. I’m not rich, but I could probably spare a 100AUD if there was a plan.
Anyway,
Best of Luck with whatever you decide
Thanks for all you have said and done
but Please Tell Us more (when you’ve finished your beer).
Rich868
November 22nd, 2009 at 5:25 am
[...] more here [...]
November 22nd, 2009 at 9:29 am
Hi Nick
I have been dreaming of taking off for much of my life but with 5 wonderful kids and a business no way. Last year I was dreaming again and found your site. I then read Tania Aebi’s book Madien Voyage and in August bought a contessa 26 “Guilietta”, she is having a refit this winter. We dont plan oceans yet but we will sail off, maybe round britain, across the channel and I hope to the Med when I am capable, its good to know that when all fails on land there is another life to explore on the go. Ive really enjoyed your trip and wish you well.
ill pledge to help you get constellation back, you should keep her.
Best wishes
Mitch
November 22nd, 2009 at 9:31 am
Awesome !! Nice work Nick. What a relief for you. And you must have an amazing sense of achievement.
As for suspected depression, post-adrenal ramblings, and other strange feelings, it all sounds perfectly natural I reckon. What other reaction could there be after such an overwhelming experience ? Some people reckon they conquor mountains and oceans. I reckon nature sometimes lets a few insignificant humans through the cracks to get a glimpse of what’s really out there. A feeling of awestruck humility seems like a healthy response to me. Besides you’re one of a very few to have done it. Something to be proud of fur sure.
Tone.
November 24th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Congratulations for finishing an epic trip! Your adventures have been a daily escape for me and I will miss them.
Martijn